Some Breaking Bad love for VeganMofo‘s TV Tuesday!
I admit, this isn’t my usual fare, but I made these to celebrate that Breaking Bad has reminded us all what the medium of television is capable of: awesomeness at around 99% purity. Maybe even a touch beyond that. White gold.
Someone else is going to have to eat these monstrosities because I don’t do drugs or junk food as a general rule… but these are vegan AND oil-free AND gluten-free! Way more pure than regular old street cupcakes, obvs. So I might have to try one. Just this once. I give unto thee, for great dramatic television celebratory purposes only:
Blue Meth Cupcakes
Blue Meth Crystals (Blue Toffee/Hard Candy)
500g (Walter) white sugar
3/4 cup cold water
1 tablespoon of pulp-free lemon juice or (Walter) white vinegar
a few drops of blue food colour
Place all ingredients in a saucepan over medium heat and stir until sugar completely dissolves, like a body in a… never mind.
Bring to the boil, without stirring, and cook until syrup goes clear then begins to change colour – don’t brown too much/overcook or your crystal won’t be blue (… I’m serious, you guys). Remove from heat and cool until bubbles settle.
Pour into cookie sheet lined with aluminium foil (or greased). Set aside to set. But you’ll need to use it soon, don’t bury it out in the desert or anything. Try not to spill any blue meth on the floor while cracking it. I have blue meth between my toes right now. Weird feeling, dudes.
Another handy tip: if you haven’t made hard candy or toffee before, check out this how-to. If you’re not confident, you might want to go the sugar thermometer route. Also, this recipe makes A LOT of meth but it has a long shelf life and it’s fun for Halloween -coming up soon!
Altered vanilla cupcake recipe from PPK:
1 cup homemade almond milk/other plant-based milk
1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar
1 1/4 cups all-purpose (gluten-free) flour
2 tablespoons cornstarch
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce (or canola oil)
3/4 cup sugar (doesn’t have to be (Walter) white)
1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract or 1-2 drops vanilla liquid stevia
Preheat oven to 350F/180C. Line muffin pan with cupcake liners. Spray lightly with cooking spray. Whisk the milk and vinegar in a measuring cup and set aside for a few minutes to curdle.
Sift flour, cornstarch, baking powder, and baking soda into a large bowl and mix. Beat together the milk mixture, applesauce (or oil), sugar, and vanilla in a large bowl. Combine all ingredients in one bowl, stirring until no large lumps remain.
Fill cupcake liners two-thirds of the way and bake for 20-22 minutes. Transfer to a cooling rack.
2 cups powdered confectioners/icing sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract/1 drop vanilla liquid stevia
a little plant-based milk
Mix until smooth. I am the one who knocks.
When the meth has set, hit it with a mortar/rolling pin/hammer-like device (like it owes you something and won’t pay the bill) until it breaks into shards. You might want to pick out some choice larger shards because they’re pretty, before knocking out some dustier small bits.
When the cupcakes are cool, spread the frosting/icing on top. Sprinkle with blue crystals. Voilà! Go offend some people who’ve never seen the show by offering them a blue meth cupcake or surf the sugar rush with another Breaking Bad buddy. These might be good for Halloween… Having a party? Don’t forget to give out baggies of meth for the adult-kids to take home afterwards.
Storage: Refrigerate. I wanted to leave them on the counter. Bitch! Oh, I’m sorry, oh, the “work station.” Jesus.
Inspired by this random forum post that popped up in my Twitter feed, but no recipe there and not vegan.
A Happy Ending/Together At Last…
I think Breaking Bad has pointedly shown us the drug industry is incredibly uncool to humans while being an enormously cool piece of television suitable for human consumption. And vegans have shown the world that animal exploitation is nasty and vegan cupcakes are awesome… How deep do you think it is? Pretty deep.
Have a relaxing cuppa after a hard day at work
with a side of blue meth cupcake, before getting
down and dirty and digging up the yard, yes?
Swirling blue dye through the cupcake batter is the first thing that comes to mind… but food dye icks me out a bit! So. Blueberries? Otherwise…
If you want to try to healthify these up a bit (difficult), you might try subbing a mix of brown rice flour, quinoa flour, and starch for store-bought all-purpose gluten-free flour. Switching white/other sugar for coconut sugar might be another nice idea. But darker sugar in the blue meth portion of the recipe will increase the risk of getting a green-ish final product. That simply won’t do, especially if you’re thinking of exporting to Europe.
Or, you know what, guys? These are meth cupcakes. The whole premise doesn’t scream healthy, now, does it? Take a night off, won’t you? Just this once. Sure, they’re a bit processed but they’re cholesterol-free and virtually fat-free. Even if you use the oil, it’s probably not going to do any damage to your fine-ass vegan self. Jesus Christ, Marie, they’re minerals: you drink plenty of those for breakfast right? Yo, green smoothie me, bitch.
Sepia tones! We must be in Mexico!
Halloween candy cupcakes not enough? Want a bigger Breaking Bad hit? Try building your very own Breaking Bad meth lab… in Lego for Christmas. Heck yes.
Vegan cupcakes, bitch.